Eli and Evan

Eli and Evan are brothers who were both diagnosed with GM1 Gangliosidosis type 2, in August 2014. They have an older sister, Laya, who is 8 years old. She does not have GM1 and is not a carrier.

Eli was born in March 2009, and progressed pretty normally until about age 18 months. He will be 7 years old in March 2016. At age 2 his development began to slow and gradually regressed. He is currently 6 years old and can no longer walk, is non-verbal, needs a feeding tube and requires full care for all his physical needs. At this time he can hug, laugh with his family, bounce on his knees and eat tiny amounts of certain foods be mouth. When he meets our gaze with eye to eye contact and gives us a sly smile, we are in heaven.

Evan was born in August of 2012, and progressed pretty normally until about age 2. He is currently 3 years old. His progression has slowed and seemed to plateau this year, but he understands and functions at about an 18 month old level. He has severe delay in his development at this time, with fine motor being weaker in relation to his large motor. He is busy, active, very curious, he wears a helmet to protect from falls, he is approximating some words, and loves to play with other kids at home and preschool. We love his hugs and fun adventurous spirit!

The Diagnosis

I was getting in the car to drive to Phoenix which is 2 hours away. Brad was planning on staying home with the kids, so he had already left to go to the park. As I sat in the car ready to leave, I thought about the fact that by the time I got to the temple and did my service, it would be 7:30 or 8:00pm and I was feeling very tired. I wondered if it would be a good idea for me to go and drive home when I was already feeling so exhausted. I changed my mind and decided I would schedule a time to go early in the morning with less risk involved.

I came back inside and started to clean my house. Shortly after, Dr. Aleck (a biochemical Geneticist we had seen in Phoenix, Arizona) called me. He said

"I have a diagnosis for your two boys, but it isn't too good."
I felt excited that we would have a diagnosis and then, "but wait, not Evan too?" He told me they had Gm1 Gangliosidosis late-infantile type, based on the age of onset, probably not the juvenile type. He had to spell it for me as I wrote it down. He explained to me that it was a genetic disease that would only manifest when both parents had the recessive gene and passed it along to their children. With each pregnancy you have a 1 in 4 chance of a child manifesting the disorder. He said Laya was most likely a carrier. He told me that Eli is unable to process a certain Enzyme, so his body stores that enzyme in the spinal chord and brain. Over time it builds up and causes nerve damage.

I asked him what it all meant. He said,

"In terms of prognosis, it is unlikely that he will make it to adulthood."
I paused and my heart sank. He told me he was so sorry that he had to give me this news over the phone. He explained that he thought Evan had it as well and told me we would need to prove it through DNA for both of them, although he was confident in his diagnosis about Eli.

I proceeded to search the internet and cry and search the internet and cry.

I reacted to this news by feeling sad. I stressed myself out by searching the internet late into the night trying to find answers late. I don't remember what I learned but there was a lot of crying and over-analyzing. I couldn't think about much else for days. I was hoping and praying that Evan wouldn't have it, but told God that I would accept whatever happened. I didn't have to wait long for my answer.

A relative of ours is a radiologist and had been helping me tirelessly for the last month and a half trying to help me get this diagnosis for Eli. She helped me get in to see Dr. Aleck months earlier than what we were scheduled for. She told me about a Clinical trial for this disease going on at the University of Minnesota. They are doing Stem Cell tranplants for children who could possibly benefit from them. She encouraged me to email Dr. Aleck and see what he thought about it. I emailed him and instead of emailing me back, he kindly called me later that day to speak with me.

He told me that Dr. Narayanan, a Neurogenetecist in Phoenix who has been conducting a study for families and children with rare genetic disorders, had called him that day. Dr. Narayanan's office had all of our family's blood (we went and saw him back in February), except Laya's and was performing a full DNA genome sequencing study on them, and many other families. He had called Dr. Aleck to tell him that the DNA has proven that Eli and Evan both have the disease. Dr. Aleck told me he was sorry that he had to continually give me bad news over the phone. He encouraged me to look into the stem cell transplant so that we could get all the information we could and then make an educated decision about whether the possible outcome would be worth the risk or not. He proceeded to call my relative and tell her the news as well.

The following days I felt depressed and exhausted emotionally and physically. I continued to tirelessly look up information and ask questions to people who were in a Gangliosidosis Facebook group. It was helpful to have a few long conversations with Brad, family and friends. It helped to write my feelings down and pray and accept. It was helpful to think of how I could make the most of this time I have with my boys and help others who may be in this same situation in the future. I feel now that I have accepted it and am ready to be happy again. I want to enjoy every moment. I know the road will be long, we will have heartbreak and sadness along the way, but we can also be happy. I hope that we will do all we can to stay close to each other and to God.

Brad and I told Laya that Eli and Evan both have this disease. All we said was,

"Evan has GM1 Gangliosidosis just like Eli and in the future he will become a lot more like Eli."
She thought about it for a minute and then said,
"Well maybe Evan won't be quite like Eli."
We again reiterated the fact that Evan would indeed lose the skills and abilities he has. She then said,
"Why do boys always have to have that kind of stuff?"
(She was also thinking about another boy in school who has some intellectual disabilities). We explained it wasn't just a boy thing, but she quickly changed the subject and was back to her happy-go-lucky self again.

She doesn't know anything about the fact that her only two siblings will both most likely be gone from us before she reaches adulthood. We won't share that with her until it becomes very apparent and she is older and better equipped to handle these difficult things.

We have since talked with Laya about the life expectancy of the disorder. At this time she is 8 1/2. When Eli got his surgery for his feeding tube 6 months ago, it became very apparent that he was getting worse. Around that time, I sat down (Marilee) with Laya and told her everything we know about the mortality aspect of the disease. She was sad, but also had some questions. She was also a bit mad about it too. She told me I should have another baby. Not easy to talk about, but it was very nice to get it out in the open. She has seemed to accept what will be will be and is very loving and accepting towards her brothers and anyone who seems a bit different.

Watch the Progression of GM1

Latest Blog Post - I Don't Like This

Experiencing feelings of sadness is not fun. I don't like it. Most of the time I want to resist my sadness, I want to escape it. But I am realizing I need to face it, I need to deal with it, process it, let myself FEEL it.

When I continue trying to live my life while ignoring feelings of sadness, fear or stress, those feelings tend to build up. I feel a vague sense of depression, numbness or anxiety begin to creep in.

There can be countless reasons why we experience these"negative"emotions in life. We all have them from time to time, but are they really, truly negative? If we were happy all the time, would we even realize we were happy?

When we experience sorrow, pain, suffering, hardship or anger, we can more FULLY appreciate feelings of peace, love, friendship and comfort. That is so true. Isn't it a beautiful and complex thing? How amazing is it, that our very sorrows in life help us to be happier. I think these hardships make us stronger, give us a greater depth of character and more compassion towards others.

So if we know that experiencing sadness or whatever emotion it is, is a necessary part of life, then how do we process it in a healthy way? How do we face it, rather than resist it, escape it or try to numb it?

I am figuring out the answer for myself right now.

I know I am sad about Eli, but I have been resisting my feelings. We had a huge scare with him this last week and I'm not sure that I know exactly how to deal with it. I am trying to catch this feeling of sadness before it turns into a secondary emotion like depression or anxiety.

So again, how do I process it then?
Cry.....that's the answer. I need to cry. I need to think about my pain and Eli's pain. Think about how scary it was this past week when Eli was choking for almost an hour in the middle of the night How miserable it was watching him suffer so greatly, his white face, the vomiting and agitated movements as he panicked in his struggle to breathe. Feeling helpless as I tried suctioning his airways over and over, until he finally began to recover. I am sobbing now just thinking about it.

Write it down...I hold Eli with a sense of love, but there is still a sadness there. Whenever I look at him, I feel so bad for him. I just wish he could do the things he used to, or that I could at least make him comfortable. I hold him tight and sing to him and tell him how much I love him.

Processing my sadness this way, bycrying, thinking and writing....(which honestly, I am doing as I write this) is the only thing Icando. I still feel sad, but it feels more manageable now. I don't feel that depression and anxiety building anymore. I also feel a sense of gratitude along with my sadness which I didn't feel when I started writing this post. It's ok to be sad. I have a good reason to feel sad. I don't need to resist it and I don't need to justify it.I don't need to let it over take me either.

My sweet Eli is a gift and I want to be in a good place emotionally so that I can cherish each day with him, as well as the other members of my family.

How Eli is doing:
After Eli's terrible choking incident last week, Brad and I decided to give him water only for two days and adjust his meds to see if it stopped the choking. Luckily it did. We've been gradually adding food back in, a little more each day. We started with 100ml the 3rd day after and today he had 250ml of his formula with no major issues. We will continue to up it slowly as long as he can tolerate it.

Podcast on Anxiety:
I listened to this podcast a while back and it opened my eyes to a new way of thinking. I really like the way Jodie explains things. This is an especially good episode on anxiety, describing how we can get to that point and what to do about it.
Anxiety Podcast